Barnum was right

To paraphrase P.T. Barnum, you can never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. Keep that in mind if you watch the "debate" tonight. George W. Bush speaks at a seventh grade level, with short sentences. John Kerry speaks at a tenth grade level, with longer sentences. We've come a long way since the days of President John Adams. Here is a link to his complete inaugural address on March 4, 1797, which includes one sentence containing 727 words (no, I didn't count them):
http://www.sptimes.com/2004/09/30/Decision2004/John_Adams__Inaugural.shtml

aah, power again

We joined the ranks of the powerless at noon on Sunday, and I'm happy to report that the power is back on as of about an hour ago. I really missed hot showers, the microwave, and a functioning computer. I did not miss TV commercials. But I can't complain. We have a home with a functioning air conditioner, kitchen, and hot water heater. A lot of hurricane victims are coping with a lot less. More later. Right now, it is time to watch the Red Sox playing the Devil Rays, a home game at the Dome, live. Time to chill.

Nature's beauty

The meteorologists were wrong about Hurricane Jeanne making a turn for the north - the eye is ESE of Tampa and it is moving WNW. This is giving us a rare opportunity to view the beauty of Nature. . . trees whipping around, rain hitting the windows. . . shortly before seeing the destructive nature of Nature. We won't see the full effect for another hour or two. Good news: The storm is moving quickly, like Charley did, and the winds are getting weaker. Bad news: They are coming here quickly and they aren't getting weak enough. We are getting power-on, power-off, power-on-again and I just heard a transformer blow somewhere down the street. Time to quit playing with the computer, get the waterproof boots and rain slicker out, and see what happens next!

kiss my fins, Jeanne

So we have this wandering headless-chicken of a hurricane out there, about to knock on Florida's door again. I was going to West Palm Beach to go diving this weekend, until Jeanne changed everybody's plans. To see how crazy this storm is, click here:
http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/archive/2004/JEANNE_graphics.shtml

This will show you a "movie" made up of predicted and actual tracks. If you are subject to motion sickness, take your Dramamine first.

If I seem obsessed by hurricanes lately it is because I am obsessed. We have been lucky in our neck of the woods. It is only a matter of time.

kiss my heinie, Ralph

I wonder what Ralph Nader smokes? Consider this, from today's news:

"WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader accused his Democratic rival Sen. John Kerry on Tuesday of being responsible for a campaign to try and keep him off the Nov. 2 ballot. . . .Nader's campaign said it was fighting 21 legal cases in 17 states in a bid to get the consumer advocate on the ballot. . . . 'The ballot access has drained our time and our resources,' Nader told a news conference. 'I have to hold Sen. John Kerry and Terry McAuliffe directly responsible.'"

Hey, Ralphie, let me tell you that a lot of Americans - including a lot of Floridians who remember the horror show of 2000 - hold you directly responsible for getting Dubya elected, and here you are, doing it again. I, for one, would like to drain your time and resources right down the toilet. "Independent?" You got onto the Florida ballot by convincing the Fla. Supremes, who have neither the stomach nor the spine for a rerun of 2000, that you are a party nominee. The party held its convention in a telephone booth, but under the law you are a party nominee. You are also one of the biggest jerks alive today.

things I thought I'd never see

I never thought I'd see any of the following in my lifetime:

1. The fall of the Berlin Wall.
2. The disassembly of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.
3. The Pope visiting Cuba.
4. "Arabs start to look within to find source of extremism."
(Headine, St. Petersburg Times, 9-21-2004)

Regarding number 4: It's about time. I have been wondering when the average man on the street (no need to be politically correct, here) in the Middle East will get sick and tired of seeing his short-term hopes and his future blown to hell by those who would rather kill than allow the winds of democracy to blow free. Like, y'know, elections. This is not a "Muslim" thing, but a mind-set rooted in the ancient past. Well, let me correct that: It is a Muslim thing, like the Inquisition was a Christian thing - correct that, a Catholic Church thing - except that the democratic societies have banished that sort of insanity to the history books.

changing of the seasons

September in Florida is a cruel month for anybody from up North or out West who expects to see signs of fall. As a boy in Louisville, I associated the word "September" with going back to school, cooler weather, and the smell of burning leaves. Now, the kids go back to school in August, we can't burn the leaves, and there's no hope of cool weather in sight. But today, in a Walgreen's, I saw a shelf that held hurricane supplies a few days ago. Today it holds Halloween candy. Aha! There's hope after all.

dive, dive!

We went on our first open water dive this morning, in a sinkhole in Hudson, FL. I've been in sinkholes in North Florida and expected to see the effects of tannic acid, which gives water an iced-tea color, but what we saw today was more like day-old coffee with a touch of cream. Visibility just below the surface was maybe ten feet. On the platform (22 feet down) I could see my hand in front of my face. Problem was, my instructor had to get in my face to give me the hand signals to do the various skill exercises like clearing the mask and buddy-breathing. I couldn't even see my buddy -- it's a good thing she didn't need help from me! After the initial descent, things got easier but not clearer. Good news: I stayed relaxed the whole time once I cleared my ears (hey, I'm breathing, I can see the surface, no gators or other obnoxious critters, so why not relax?). Next time: Take a good underwater light. My instructor's 24-year-old eyes can see in the dark better than mine. I borrowed a light and got to see the rock formation -- a vertical wall of limestone with nooks and crannies. On a hot sunny day, in warm water, a fun thing to do.

Bahama Breezin'

We are just back from Aspen and Boulder, with regrets. Five days in Colorado in mid-September -- way too short a time to enjoy the mountains, the cool fall weather, and the hordes of family and friends celebrating Jacqui's and David's wedding. Way, way too short. One clue that I married into the right family is that the dancers on their wedding night were almost entirely cousins and kin who couldn't tear themselves away from a rockin' band playing the good dance songs. We've now had two embedded-in-your-memories-for-life celebrations in the space of nine months, the other at Christmas, both in Colorado. Thank you, Jacqui and David, for hosting both events and for putting up with the mob. Thanks also to Amber and Megan for their party-and-food planning and their early arrival to pitch in and help take some of the load off of our host and hostess. And, thanks to Colin for driving us over Independence Pass and back over Vail Pass. We hope we didn't embarrass you or Sarah too much when we met Tim and Pam, Sarah's parents.

So, we are back in Florida where September still feels like August, the humid air feels like the inside of somebody's mouth, and where the bush-wa ugliness of Bre'er Bush's politics is manifested by our Secretary of State's putting Ralph Nader's name on Florida's absentee ballots despite a preliminary court order not to. Explanation? Hurricane Ivan, now headed for New Orleans, might interfere with the hearing in Tallahassee, scheduled for (drum roll) tomorrow, to make the order permanent. Go figure. Let me figure it for you: Ralph Nader is Bush's man, financed by Texas Bush-leaguers, for the purpose of diluting the anti-Bush vote.

But I digress. Back to more pleasant subjects. We got off the plane in Tampa in need of a late dinner, not too heavy. We stopped at a great place called the Bahama Breeze for a meal of shrimp and salad, and the Bahamian ambiance got us into a mood to tolerate the heat and humidity for awhile longer. I close my eyes and see mountains and golden Aspen trees but I can mix some margaritas and get into the mood to relax. God knows, we need it. Goodbye, Ivan. Don't even ask about Tropical Storm Jeanne yet.

Family

It has occurred to me that, with the exception of a cousin who lives three blocks away, there is no blood relative of mine (not counting our children, of course) who has called or e-mailed to see if we are still here. Not after Charley, not after Florence.

When my parents moved from Kentucky to Florida in 1951 they didn't realize that we were moving to the dark side of the Moon in terms of keeping up with the family. This is not to say we don't like each other. We do, but we never see each other.

What a contrast with the Workinger side of the family, which has spread out from one side of the U.S. to the other but still stays in close contact. All we need is a special event, like Christmas or a wedding, and everybody flocks back together.

Maybe it's e-mail and cell phones that make it so easy to stay in contact. As far as I know half my cousins don't use e-mail. Or maybe it is something else, but I haven't figured it out yet.

The big blow

The storm is out over the Gulf and we are finally getting kicked from the backside as the wind whips around and comes back at us from the west. Damage so far: One section of fence down in the back yard but the posts are still standing. Worse, a major limb on the key lime tree is broken off. That will seriously cut down on the key lime crop this year. Dang. But we didn't lose a roof or the house as hundreds of other people did. We didn't lose anybody at a school occupied by crazed terrorists who insanely thought they could bargain with a government that, like the U.S., does not bargain with terrorists. So from the global perspective, this is just a windy day.

A blustery day

So here we sit, with the wind outside kicking up to a bluster and the rain making half-hearted attempts. Flipping back and forth between CNN, the Weather Channel, and our local Channel 8 in hopes of learning something new and different, we see weathercasters and newsguys looking very tired and bored. Like wartime journalists who hope to stand in front of a camera with Baghdad under attack in the background - sorry, wrong war - the weather and news folks want to stand out in the breeze while pieces of stucco fall around them. The obligatory shots of wildly waving palm trees, traffic lights hanging by a thread, and the occasional tree on top of a car look like file footage from Hurricane Donna (1960). Yawn. The bad news: It is still on track to weave through Pasco County, just up the road. The good news: It should have lost its steam by then. So, just another soggy day in Paradise. I'm getting an urge for a cheeseburger and a batch of margaritas while trying to reason with this season. Let's not even talk about Ivan.

Waiting for Godot

Hurricane Frances has been approaching for what seems like two weeks. Charley stomped through Florida with paratrooper boots. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am and he was gone. Frances has become fat, old, and slow. Even as I type, the eye is finally beginning to come across West Palm Beach. The newscasters don't mention the Town of Palm Beach, the ritzy glitzy kingdom on the barrier island, or the City of Lake Worth immediately to the south where I worked. These cities are going to get pounded for twelve hours of heavy wind that will peel off roofs and throw trees through roofs too tough to peel. In Lake Worth they've undoubtedly disassembled the pier. Their pier has heavy planks which aren't nailed down but can be removed from harm's way. They didn't remove the planks fast enough a few years ago. A storm carried them up to Palm Beach and their lifeguards retrieved some of them.

Meanwhile, we sit here in Clearwater and wait. We tried to go to a movie this afternoon but the film couldn't be delivered to the theater because of Frances. We got a little rain around 6 tonight but otherwise you'd have no clue what's about to happen by looking at the sky. After seeing Punta Gorda and Arcadia, the huge old oak trees in our neighborhood don't look so substantial any more. Now I'm trying to judge where they will fall if the eye passes us to the north. Tomorrow will be a long day.

Scuba doobie, phooey

I mean, phooey on Labor Day, when the dive shop will be closed, and on the insane weather that has basically shut down the weekend. My goal of getting certified before going to Colorado next week is not gonna happen. So, I can't go diving in Colorado, not that I planned to, but I also won't have my "C-card" to show off to the other diver in the family. On Wednesday we had some free time in the pool so we played catch under water with a rubber torpedo with a missing fin, a fun way to relax. You don't get stressed over your gear or breathing techniques when you are trying to catch a crazy torpedo. More fun than it sounds, trust me. Now that i've learned to put the bottom half of my wet suit on without needing somebody to pass me the shoulder strap from behind, and to take it off without turning it into an inside-out figure eight, and to put my B.C. on without getting my hoses and straps tangled inside each other, and to take the B.C. off and put it back on under water, I'm set to go.

The Republicans convened

The Grand Old Party had a convention in the Big Apple this week, and I missed it. Missed every bit of it. I once took pride in myself for being a Democrat who voted Republican when they had the better candidate, but ever since Newt Gingrich's Contract on America and the takeover of the G.O.P. by the Righteous Right, I've given that up. I come from a line of Republicans, understand, except Mom was the black sheep who married a Democrat, voted Democrat, and argued with her brother at the drop of a hat. Her mother once tried to vote straight party ticket. . . straight Republican ticket, that is. . . in a primary election. This was in the days of the "new" voting booths with the flip-down levers and the big lever that opened and closed the big green curtain behind you. Nobody knows what she did but I think she had the right idea. Voting straight ticket saves a lot of mental effort. Voting straight Democratic ticket is going to be emotionally satisfying this fall, regardless of the outcome.

Lessons learned from Charley

This is not original with me - it was forwarded from somebody in Lee County and might not have been original with her either, but it is too good not to pass it along:

Lessons Learned From Hurricane Charley

Coffee can be made on a BBQ grill.
No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.
Cats are even more irritating without power.
A new method of non-lethal torture - showers without hot water.
There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
A 7-lb. bag of ice will chill six 12-oz beers to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.
Contrary to most Florida natives' beliefs, speed limit on roads without traffic lights does not increase.
Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.
Just because you're over 21 doesn't mean you can stay out as late as you want. At least that's what the cops told me during a curfew stop.
Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.
People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.
When required, a Chrysler 300M will float--doesn't steer well, but floats just the same.
Some things do keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.
Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.
27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, as they are quick to point out.
If I had a store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators. . .I'd be rich.
Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.
Tree service companies are under appreciated.
I learned what happens when you make fun of another state's blackout.
I can walk a lot farther than I thought.

Scuba doobie, two

We completed another pool session tonight. One more pool session and two open water dives (one fresh water, one salt water) stand between me and getting certified as an "open water diver" (beginning recreational diver). Not ready for cave diving or exploring the innards of wrecks, yet.

Here are two essential facts you will never know unless you take a Scuba course (or cheat by reading this):

1. A Scuba tank holds air equivalent to the air in an American telephone booth (80 cubic feet), but the deeper you dive the faster you use it up.

2. If you pee in your wet suit, it collects in your booties. To impress someone and make a new friend after diving, empty a bootie on his/her head.