notice to all you Red states

This will probably be my last political entry for the remainder of the year. It is not original with me but, now that I live in a Blue state, I just had to "borrow" it. This required some major modifications, notably because it was written before the election and the author expected another Republican victory. (Note to the humor-impaired: The statistics are probably flawed but they illustrate the point pretty well.)

Dear Red States:

We were afraid you would steal this election, too, and we seriously considered forming our own country. It still seems like a good idea now, particularly in view of the ugliness and hatred expressed during the long and nasty campaign.

We intend to form our own country, to be known as Neuvo California, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, West Virginia, and all the slave states. We get stem cell research, the best beaches, and most of the good ski resorts. We get the Statue of Liberty and the Golden Gate Bridge; you get Dollywood. We get M.I.T. and Harvard; you get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs; you get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenues; you get to make the Red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals and your hockey moms. They have kids they're apparently willing to send overseas for no good purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend any more of our resources in what began as a hunt for Osama bin Laden. (Whatever happened to him? How can a 6'4" man with poor health be hiding in the mountains for so long?)

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 90% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford and Cal Tech, and all of the service academies. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 65% of all old and obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 80% of hurricanes that make landfall, and 65% of all the alligators and mosquitos. You get 80% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty, or gun laws; 44% say that evolution is only a theory; 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11; and 61% of you crazy nuts believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out,

Blue States